Last night I had a dream that took place in a work setting. Two respected coworkers sat across from me and revealed that some work I did in the past was received really poorly. They said it was “so bad” and “everyone thought so”. In fact, it was so bad that the positive progression in my career since was a surprise to them. Something along the lines of “After seeing that, we couldn’t believe they chose you for promotion.” OUCH! In my dream I floundered with a little defense, but mostly accepted this ridicule as warranted. Yes, that work was bad. sigh.
Upon waking, this stuck with me. I’ve never been the sort to have the classic bad dreams about work, school, etc. I don’t dream that I’ve missed my final exams. I don’t dream that I’ve shown up to a presentation in the nude. Apparently, those aren’t the sort of worries that plague me in the depths of sleep. Rather, my dream anxieties tend to be a build up of minor wrong turns - I need to go somewhere, but I can’t remember the address. So I look it up, but then realize I don’t have my keys. Finally, I call a ride service, but when I arrive at the event I am there on the wrong day.
When I am stressed, I dream of those days when everything goes wrong. And so, this dream stood out.
Why am I dreaming about a bad track record at work, not deserving my role, and/or not having the respect of my peers? I have recently taken on new responsibilities at work and I have certainly “bit off a lot”. I asked for this and felt prepared for it, but that doesn’t magically make it easy. I am encountering new challenges each day - new personalities to navigate, new technologies to understand, new problems to solve. All of this while trying to bring a dysfunctional team to a state where they can consistently deliver value to the company. I was initially feeling really confident with this. Now that I am a month in, one of the biggest differences between expectation and reality has been that my other two teams are not magically functioning without issue. I was naive to think they were in such a good place that they didn’t need me. Both those teams are undergoing their own changes currently, with some team members moving around and changes in a strategic partnership impacting our work. And, as much as I try to be open and generous, I have had a few interpersonal problems with one of my counterparts. What can I say? I am human. :)
I am still performing well. All three teams are running successfully day-to-day, and I am making positive improvements to my new team’s processes. I believe we are all moving in the right direction. But it’s a strain that I am feeling constantly. I am eking out productivity from every moment of the day.
As I reflect on my dream and how it connects to my life, what begins to stand out most is my acceptance that I was undeserving. I certainly would not take a stance that all work I have done is perfect. We learn and improve over time. In many cases I would not approach something the same way today as I did a year ago, or 5 years ago. (I believe this is reality no matter how good you are. Even if you make the best decision at the time, the world around you evolves and later there is more knowledge or more tools available.) Let’s be clear: I HAVE MADE MISTAKES! Not every tech design stood the test of time, not every meeting was run perfectly, not every incident was resolved in the minimum amount of time. But do I “deserve” the position I am in now? I am feeling weird about this word “deserve” now because what does that even mean? but for lack of an alternative lets continue with that and say, Yes! I deserve the role I am in now. There is no smoking gun mistake that I have made that would tell you otherwise.
I guess that is what bothered me. Sure, I felt a little humiliated in my dream by the public ridicule of something I didn’t seem to realize had happened. But moreover, I let that define me and crush my spirit and AGREED THAT I AM NOT WORTHY. My fear is that there is some droplet of truth here. I am under strain at work, which makes me tired, which breeds insecurity. I am in a new situation, which makes me more prone to error. Does some part of me feel like maybe I wasn’t ready? Maybe I can’t do this? Maybe I should just give up? Am I focusing on the failures and ignoring the successes?
If I let that fester, my confidence waivers. Like anything, with too many cracks, I will crumble.
So today I name you: insecurity, overwhelmed-ness, fatigue. I see you and acknowledge you. I know that you are natural, and that it is rational for you to be present at this time. I accept this and will move forward mindfully. Despite you, I will trust myself. I will continue to try my best, and I will be open.
Dreams are not reality. Oftentimes, they do not even make sense! However, this one has taught me something and for that I am thankful. <3